Perfection

Few days ago, I came across an article that describes the 14 signs of perfectionism and I am ashamed to say i've scored 9/14. And the guilty part is that I agree especially with point no. 3 - A BIG Procrastinator! and no. 6 (Introvert maybe).

It is true that I have a fear of failing which have me ending up doing nothing! And would only do it if I feel comfortable in doing it, (this would sometimes be associated with "doing something only when you're in the mood") This just amounts to wasting a whole lot of time! AND I am sometimes motivated by the desire for social approval. *sigh* I also tend to stop halfway if the result I expected turns out otherwise. (Yes, i'm very fickle-minded too) This would also lead to learning new skills halfway cause I just failed once, and would only pursue those that are guaranteed success! But of course, this doesn't happen often, just for example. :p

Being perfect is what people strive for, it can be both good and bad at the same time. But for me, being perfect means taking control, well, too much control about how you want your end result to be. I have been questioning my ability to create something organic, something that some people would like to call the "unpredictable result", in this case it's means "good" and beautiful result.

I have recently been experimenting painting again, ever since the last time I used it during college in painting class. I have been a fan of watercolour especially the spreading effects of paint on paper, and I've been trying to mimic some styles from the internet, even went on youtube for tutorials, but it disappoints me whenever the result turns out otherwise. 

This made me realised that i've been trying to control my result, and sometimes it feels that it limits my capability of trying to create something that could proudly call it my own. It wouldn't be the matter of whether i'm using the right method or not, or whether it's the right material or not, it just somehow feels very uneasy whenever the result is something that turns out completely different from what I expected it to be. It is that unpredictable result that made me feel very uneasy. We have been bombarded with images in which we conceive as perfect even though how imperfect it looks. It is a complicated contradiction. We see ourselves comparing to others and of course that goes with the saying of "the grass is always greener on the other side. I hated my drawings and would constantly tear them off whenever I am unhappy with the result, I wouldn't allow things to flow naturally and would often draw or paint awkwardly. 

However, though it may seem odd and weird and somehow cuckoo, I shall practice courage to keep those sketches or drawing that I think un-fit for my perfect sketchbook. I admitted that I've torn some away, but i'm striving to keep it as it is. ugh! Probably for the better as I can see progress.

Cheers

♥

Copyright © halie2406 All Rights Reserved